Walk On Water.
“Don’t be afraid,” he said. “Take courage, I am here.”
“Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.”
“Yes, come.” Jesus said.
But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. “Save me, Lord.”
Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have so little faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?”
….
The wind stopped…
“You are really the Son of God!”
- Matthew 14:22-34
Sometimes God calls you to something and you are sure because it’s an answered prayer….but when some difficulty arises, you feel like you’re drowning quick and fast. Everything happens so quickly. So easily knocked down, and take a long time to stand back up again.
When God puts someone in your life, so special and good, it slips away. Again. Of course I am angry at God. It’s like dangling a sweet carrot in front of a rabbit whose legs are chained and unable to move towards it. Or rather, the carrot moves away at the wishes of the person holding on to it…and perhaps gave it to another rabbit.
I walk on water, then, “Save me, Lord!”
“Hey Deborah, did you receive my email?”
“Hi Pastor! Nope…what’s the email about?”
“Oh perhaps I got your email wrongly…I was thinking if you are willing to join the Easter cast this year for Gkidz.”
Oh???? Hmm, perhaps it’s just a small role or a short skit.
“Okay sure!”
Everything happened so quickly.
Rehearsals were intimidating. It didn’t help when I knew I got the female lead, there was a trailer for it, animation, sound effects, staging, costumes, props…it’s a PRODUCTION. And a 25-paged script.
“Save me, Lord!”
Well, I was excited about it. Because I have always questioned about what my season in Gkidz is, what exactly is the 3-year plan God has in store in me. I have already been breathing so much ever since God told me about the plan.
3 years of pruning, pruning, pruning and fruitfulness. This opportunity came as an answered prayer! Except that it’s totally beyond what my wildest imagination. You see, i’m not exactly the most expressive and outgoing person and I feel that there is a clear mismatch between who I am, and who I need to be. But perhaps it is this tedious pruning that would lead me there.
Rehearsals were manageble until I received the news that a fellow female lead (we have 2 casts spread over 3 services)’s grandmother passed away a few days before the actual show. Which means…I need to perform for all 3 services. The inner devil started to tell me all sorts of nonsense: the other female lead is so good, better than you. You’re going to mess it up, disappoint the production committee because it is this reason that they let the other cast do 2 services instead of you. As much as it sounds like rubbish, it sounded like the truth to me.
“Don’t be afraid, take courage, I’m here.”
“Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.”
“Yes, come.” Jesus said.
And God led to to a what seemingly not-so-impactful/prominent verses in the Bible.
”The Lord has gifted Bezalel, Oholiab, and the other skilled craftsmen with wisdom and ability to perform any task involved in building the sanctuary. Let them construct and furnish the Tabernacle, just as the Lord has commanded.” - Exodus 36:1
He chose, then he blessed them with skills. He chose me, then he’ll bless me with whatever I need. The Tabernacle is a huge project and everything to its fine details were planned by the Lord. So is the Easter production.
“Yes, come.” Jesus said.
And I went. I am walking on water. Until something else happened again.
Just a few hours before the actual production, we had a couple of full-runs and I was apparently not up to standard.
“Come I need to run through the script with you.”
Though she approached me and the fellow male lead to run through the script together, everything she said was targetted at my performance. Perhaps she thought it will be better to not corner me, so she invited the male lead. But to me, it was worse, because it feels like he has to witness all the poor performance that was pointed out to me.
“At this part, you should do this……this, and this….”
I understood where she was coming from, and she wants to help me improve my performance, after all, lives are at stake tonight. But I don’t know why, my tears were uncontrollable. I tried very hard to keep it back, but the accusations, doubts and fear took over. At that moment, I really hated the fact that I am so weak, unable to deal with that wee bit of stress and expectations. But crying helped me to come to terms with it and look straight into the eyes of my fears, that perhaps had been accumulating over the month. At the same time, I actually found myself feeling lost. I don’t know where to look or rather, I wasn’t really looking anymore.
This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel said, “Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence, in strength. But you would have none of it. You said, “No…” ” - Isaiah 30:15.
Pastor prayed together with me. I started praying. A fellow cast member came to speak to me. And we prayed. I don’t know what to pray, but I just sat still and asked God to enter my heart and my mind to feel and see what’s in me.
“And the wind stopped….”
“He will be gracious if you ask for help. He’ll surely respond.” (Isaiah 30:19)
“The moon will be as bright as the sun, and the sun will be 7 times brighter - like the light of 7 days in one! So it will be when the Lord begins to heal his people and cure the wounds he gave them.” (Isaiah 30:26)
He broke to heal, to restore beyond who I was, what I am, 7 folds.
Though a lot of them started to praise me and complimenting that I did very well, accusations still attack me: they are just saying it to encourage you, it’s not genuine. Because you cried, so they felt bad for you.
The production went well; I actually enjoyed performing. Looking at how my cell group came to visit me and prayed over me before the show, seeing how my girls waved frantically at me in the audience, looking at the faces of the visitors who looked engrossed in the show, the bonds shared between the cast and production team, kids giving me a high 5 and screaming “Jiejie Jess!” while I walked through the audience, a boy giving me his strawberry lollipop from his Easter goodie bag….nothing beats this. Nothing beats walking on water with God.
All glory to God for doing such a marvellous work, for using me, for loving me so much that he’s willing to let me shine and share His light of goodness.
I am Jess, saved from the pits of darkness into light by Immanuel.
